Absorbent Robert Quadrilateral Trousers and a Confused Soldier: An Intriguing Tale?

I was in the Army once.  It was a long time ago.  There are very few things about it that I remember purposely.  One of those things is a man who was with me during my initial job training.  I don’t remember his name.  I do remember that he was very large and intimidating. He was very quiet and did not fluster easily. He did not go out to drink or visit the females who denude themselves for money when we had an off-post pass for the weekend.  He just sat in the hotel room and spoke to his family on the phone.  I respected him very much for this.  He was foreign.  I’m not sure from where, but his accent made it nearly impossible to understand him unless you were used to hearing him talk which none of us really were because he so rarely spoke.

Now that I have described him as thoroughly as I care to, I’ll move on to the meat of the story I wish to tell. One afternoon our whole company was outside the barracks. We were sitting on the concrete pad that served as a rally point for formations and floggings.  Not literal floggings, I’m not that old, but floggings of the mind delivered by the tongues of men in camo and campaign hats and ever so shiny boots.  We were attempting to make our boots as shiny as theirs to avoid another “flogging” and had begun to discuss the horrid state of modern cartoons.  Specifically we were bemoaning the fact that there has been nothing recently that could compare with the likes of DuckTales or Darkwing Duck or Scooby Doo.  We reminisced about G.I. Joe and Transformers and Thunder Cats.  There could never be another He-Man, no matter how hard anyone ever tried.  As we discussed these things, our big, hard-to-understand, unflusterable and foreign-accented comrade-in-arms became suddenly quite flustered.  He threw his boot brush to the ground and we all fell silent at his sudden, unprecedented outburst.  Every eye turned to this man, whose voice, accent and build rather remind me of the man who was a Terminator and he said, surprisingly loudly, “What is Sponge Bob?!”

We didn’t respond because, I think, we were scared to.

“I watch the show and I say what?!!?”

No response, so he continues…

…”He is in the ocean!  I thought he was a piece of cheese!!”

Of course, no response now either so he says…

…”But he’s a (expletive deleted) SPONGE!!”

And then he picks up his boot brush and calmly resumes shining his boots.

I bid you Adieu…and A don’t.

Adieu…read the quotes in Arnold’s voice.  It makes it much better.

A don’t…hold in your frustration.  It could come out in odd ways at odd times.


Author: macbick

I am a writer who takes joy in presenting ideas that I find funny or strange. In addition to blogging I write children's books that, I hope, will bring families together for a few minutes while inspiring laughter, questions, conversations and introducing a few new words. Visit my Facebook page @williamennisauthor for more on my philosophy and to preview my book. Only one is out so far. Many more to come soon.

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