Simians and A Revolutionary Traitor: Co-Conspirators in an Attack on Culinary Sensibility

I’ll try to be short winded again this time. We shall see how it goes.

I’ve developed a partial menu for a horrible restaurant. I wish to pepper these odd selections in amongst more normal fare in the hopes that people will not bother to notice the details of the stranger offerings and will jab a finger at one or the other of my putrid creations without looking too closely.

The first of my macabre dishes is Eggs Benedict Arnold. It is exactly the same as Eggs Benedict with the notable exception of being made with eggs that have turned. If you are unfamiliar with this usage of the word turned I shall educate you. When used in reference to edibles, saying that an ingredient has turned indicates that the product has spoiled. Most certainly using rotten eggs will make quite a traitorous dish. The stench of foul fowl will accost the nostrils most regrettably and the ingestion of turned eggs will cause turning of the stomach and a most boisterous moving of the bowels. As horrible as the dish must taste, the pun is delectable and I delight in thinking of it.

As a dessert I’ll offer Rhesus Pieces. While phonetically this menu item makes one think of candy coated peanut butter, the spelling of the first word indicates a much more sinister treat. I haven’t decided yet if the bits of Rhesus monkey will be cooked. Perhaps I will coat them in colorful candy to further the possibility of at least one piece being eaten.

Now that I think of it I’ll not place these items on my menu. I will instruct my wait staff to offer, only and always, these two selections as specials of the day. In this way the diner has only the words of the server to lean upon. Social convention generally dictates that it is impolite to question what one has heard, although there are of course exceptions to this rule and some will ask for clarification. Others will not be so lucky, and I shall delight in their misery as I’m carted off to jail and my establishment is condemned.

And with that I proclaim “Mission accomplished!” I have succeeded in being fairly short winded. It has left my system and my next post need have no restrictions on word count. I bid you adieu and a don’t.

Adieu…keep an eye out for new restaurants in your area.

A don’t…ever take a servers recommendation if there is any doubt as to whether or not I own the restaurant.

Wrapping Paper: Innocent Tradition or Sinister Conspiracy?

I fear I have but few words to say this time around. Perhaps this is for the best although I wouldn’t trust it. Longwindedness seems to stalk me and what I expect to be a scant few sentences turns into several paragraphs. By way of evidence, I present this introduction. Now to the heart of the matter.

I find that it is very true that the cheaper the product the lesser the quality. This extends even to such fragile things as wrapping paper. Here is a product that must simply be opaque and easily torn. This two-fold design is easily achieved with the application of heavy inks to thin paper, or so I assume, I am not myself a wrapping paper producer or aficionado.

With all that said, I now offer proof that the wrapping paper producers seek to teach us to buy the more expensive product. Would you assume, as I do, that it is cheaper to manufacture an easily ripped paper? Assuming you assume as I do can we not further assume that the more cheaply manufactured paper would be sold more cheaply? And if we assume this we may safely assume that a wrapping paper less prone to tearing would be more expensive (and more nonsensical) to make and therefore cost the consumer more.

Keeping these assumptions in mind I ask that you journey with me to the past. Our destination; my oldest daughter’s fifth birthday party. I wrapped her presents in paper from a dollar store. She opened the presents from other guests with ease, however when she got to mine she was unable to tear the paper. I offered to get it started for her and I had to get the scissors out to do that. The stuff just wouldn’t rip. It was like a fruit snacks package that has been improperly machined and arrives in your house without the standard factory installed easy tear notch in the top corner. It made me angry, although I was careful not to foul my daughter’s party with demonstrations of rage.

Years have passed now and the rage has faded but the lesson has not. That lesson is that money is the root of all evil. I suspect that wrapping paper manufacturers produce the easy to tear paper as well as the kind that could be used to make safety deposit boxes in the same factories. They sell the latter at a cheaper price, enforcing the adage about getting what you pay for. They take some loss, but the practice drives us to buy the more expensive paper so that the gifts we give and receive may be enjoyed.

I’m sure we’ve all seen holiday displays at banks and stores with stacks of “presents” under beautiful trees. We assume they are empty boxes festively wrapped to invoke feelings of contentment and the cheer of the season. I submit to you that in actuality these are not “presents”, rather they are presents. Note the lack of quotations enclosing the final word in the previous sentence. They are forsaken gifts, unopened because someone gave all they had for the perfect token of love and spent their last few cents on a bit of paper to remain in compliance with tradition. After many hours of tugging and scratching, after fingernails have given way to open beds of bloody quick and tears of pain and anguish have been shed, these unopenables were tossed away causing, along with a decision to never buy the cheap stuff again, a need to purchase a new gift. The gift manufacturer then certainly spreads the cheer by offering to the paper maker a small kick back.

Once again I’ve rambled on much longer than expected. I bid you adieu and a don’t.

Adieu…Purchase gifts and paper in separate trips. Use different methods of payment if possible. This should confound their efforts to track the necessity of a kickback.

A don’t…request a gift receipt. My hope is that this will further confound and, fingers crossed, fustigate them as well.