Could Businesses Benefit From Sam’s Example? Food-Free Free Samples

Yesterday my wife and I went to Sam’s Club. Although I enjoy simply walking around the place, we always end up spending at least a hundred dollars a trip. We left with full stomachs because of all the samples they give away. We dined on sushi, grilled cheese, beef sticks, chips, nuts, vitamins and breakfast sandwiches. All in all, a well rounded, satisfying meal. It almost made up for the money we spent on things we didn’t necessarily need. It also made me think….

What if other forms of business offered free samples? We will forego discussing free samples from banks. That is something we all might reasonably wish for. Instead, let’s consider some unorthodox free sample examples.

A book store that hands out small chunks cut from books.

A clothing store that hands out pant legs and shirt sleeves.

A video store that allows you to sample small slivers of dvds.

A music store that plays for you a single note or chord…

…a funeral home that hands out mini coffins or bits of corpse…

I bid you adieu…and a don’t.

Adieu…take what’s given to you. If it’s free, it’s worth it.

A don’t…eat every free sample you’re offered. Especially if it’s a business owned by me.

 

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Little Jesus: Inadvertent Blasphemy or Innocent Worship?

This morning my son banged on the bathroom door as I was in the middle of my ablutions. TMI, to be sure. Forgive me. I quickly abdicated the throne to avoid a biological mess. I then activated the Wii and inserted a Mario disc to occupy my son as I put some finishing touches on my English Composition final.

My son is fond of a certain mushroom enhancement Mario can utilize to make himself miniscule. He screams “Look I used a smally! I’m so little!” He utilized this early today and chose a water level. In the course of his game, we realized that miniscule Mario can walk upon the surface of simulated bodies of water. I marveled verbally upon this fact. My son replied by screaming “I’M LITTLE JESUS!!!”

If you are anti-religion, you may not understand my quandary and may wish to stop reading now. This is ok. Believe what you want. I simply ask similar consideration in return.  If you are religious, or simply not anti-religious, I ask you the following question: Should I be concerned about my son’s eternal well-being?

I ask this because Mario basically has to do shrooms to do what he does. Does my son’s reaction indicate that he thinks Jesus did drugs? Or was he simply applying what he has learned to a modern situation? He is six years old. Likely this was an innocent expression of immature excitement in an increasingly electronic environment.

That blasphemy, though.

I bid you adieu…and a don’t.

Adieu…present your children with unique situations. Their reactions can really make you think.

A don’t…discount religion. It is as important to adherents as non-adherence is to those who aren’t religious.

The Insolvent Joke -or- The Reason I’m Not a Standup Comedian

A couple of days ago was National Tell A Joke Day. I learned of this as I listened to the radio on the way to work. I felt that I must commemorate such an event, although it is a bit late. A few highlights from the holiday:

“What do you call a computer that can sing?…A Dell.” – Some lady who called the radio station

“What do you call a deer with no eyes?…No eye deer.” – Some dude who called the radio station

I’ve long considered a career in comedy. Although I rarely consider anything funny that isn’t also rather dark, I’m attracted to the idea of standing on a stage and saying stupid stuff for a living. Actually, I’d much rather be a sit-down comedian. Better yet, I would love to lay recumbent in a recliner and spout random banalities in between micro naps for a living. This will never happen due to my personal contributions to National Tell A Joke Day which follow this sentence directly.

A man went to interview for a job at a trucking company. After answering all of the typical interview questions in stellar fashion, the man was asked about his over the road experience.

“Twenty years.” The man replied proudly.

“You seem like a perfect fit for the position!” The interviewer exclaimed. “We’ll just need to make a copy of your CDL.”

“I don’t have one.” The man replied.

“No problem. We can get you trained. Can we at least copy your driver’s license?”

“I don’t have one of those either.”

“Is it expired? Suspended?”

“I’ve never had one.”

The interviewer; perplexed: “Then how do you have twenty years of over the road experience?”

“Well, for the last twenty years I’ve worked for Channel 6 news, flying the traffic-copter.”

Ba-dum-bum

The next joke may be mildly offensive. Skip ahead if you’re offended by references to Nazi Germany which, by the way, I whole heartedly do not support.

The stars in the night sky sometimes twinkle, but what did the stars over Germany do during Hitler’s atrocious reign?

Twink-heil!

Unfortunately, these cranial excretions are not enough to support any sort of comedic career. So, for now, I’m stuck in a dead-end job and fighting through college at 35 in an attempt to someday feel mildly successful.

I bid you adieu…and a don’t.

Adieu…appreciate bad humor. It’s somewhat better than, and sometimes inspired by, clinical depression.

A don’t…take offense to my Nazi joke. Hitler was a jerk and his regime was egregious. I only wish I could’ve been a part of the effort to end his maniacal, murderous tyranny. Much respect is due to my grandpa and every other person who served in WWII or supported the war effort in any way.

 

2018-08-15 21:19-21:20 HOURS

Visible from back patio facing West, bright orb traveling at high speed from South to Northwest. No discernable strobe or other characteristics of conventional aircraft. ISS tracker shows space station traveling Northwest to Southeast approaching South America at time of sighting. Previous confirmed ISS sightings indicate that this object moved to quickly and in the wrong direction to have been ISS. Approximately 45 seconds into sighting, object brightened visibly on lower surface. Illumination was circular and appeared as if a spotlight had been suddenly directed Eastward. No beam visible during illumination. Duration of illumination: 1-2 seconds. Object maintained constant speed for duration of visibility. Light breeze, 80 degrees Fahrenheit, partly cloudy. No visible moon. Aircraft overpass directly following sighting. Aircraft travelled slowly Southwest to Northeast with discernable red and white strobes.

I bid you adieu…and a don’t.

Adieu…watch the skies. Someday you might see some weird thing fly overhead that is probably not as strange as it appears from the ground.

A don’t…believe everything you see is not strange. If you don’t know exactly what it is, it can be as strange as you’d like it to be.

The Benefits of Bumism, or, An Alternate Lifestyle Explored

It is an exquisite fact that the social group most suited to surviving some sort of plague or apocalypse is that of the Practicing Bums. Practicing Bums are those who embrace bumism as a way of life. These are not the downtrodden who have, through some misfortune, come face to face with homelessness, abject poverty and destitution. Rather they are those individuals who form communities and live in tents in empty lots in the midst of skyscrapers or congregate in disused train tunnels beneath the feet of those who live lives of decadence in comparison. Practicing Bums choose this lifestyle and the skills needed to survive such are similar to those necessary to survive  mass catastrophes. Contact with those who may become exposed to a super-virus is limited. Antibodies and immunities are higher due to exposure to pollutants and microbes existing within dirt, unprocessed water and garbage. Acquiring food is a way of life and the dangers with which a Practicing Bum deals with on a daily basis provide essential survival skills. Living in the midst of apocalypse is second nature to the Practicing Bum.

It is another exquisite fact that Bum culture closely mirrors that of we who choose to lead lives as professionals and homeowners. There have been Bum presidents, Bum emperors, Bum kings. History bears witness to many Bum scoundrels, villains, vigilantes and heroes. In some communities, Bum gangs harass workaday Bums, bumming things no self respecting Bum would ever dare to bum.

Where we have due process, Bums enforce a special brand of Bum justice and are beholden to rules that would confound us with their subtle complexities.

Bum prophets and oracles, who stand on the street corners of large cities screaming things none but a Bum could understand, have foretold the rise of The Great Bum, who is destined to unite all of Bumdom under one flag. All but the most deranged remain skeptical.

Following is an account of one whom many Bums believed was this Great Bum.

The nation of Bumopolis (an optimistic name and a bit of a cliché, to be sure) was led by Supreme Bum Bob. Bob was elected to office because his promises to jumpstart a Bumopolis nuclear program struck a chord with many a Bum voter. Spies from Bum China (as the conglomeration of bums in China called themselves) had infiltrated Bumopolis many times, leaving anti-Bumopolis graffiti on the homes of many an innocent tent-owner. They spread among the people many pieces of propaganda indicating that Bum China already had a nuclear program and would soon unleash it upon the inferior Bumopolites. Bumopolis quickly became a nation quivering with fear. Until the election of Bob, there was much squabbling over what was to be done.

Bob, through many backroom deals and long nights dumpster diving behind small appliance stores, crack-houses and housing projects, had acquired quite a large pile of microwaves. He unveiled his stockpile on the occasion of his inauguration to the cheers of all present (which was everyone in Bumopolis). When asked by a member of the Bumopolis Press Corps what percentage of the microwaves worked, Bob answered honestly, “zero percent.” Before his statement of fact could be spun, Bob outlined his plan of attack. A member of Bumgeist, Bumopolis’s premiere elite fighting force, would board a canoe loaded with microwaves. He would then paddle to China, bumming fish, water and coins from any fishing or pleasure vessel he passed, and deposit the full contents of Bumopolis’s nuclear arsenal on the beach. The Bum Army would soon follow and, with their arsenal in place, launch an attack on Bum China the likes of which had never before been seen in all of Bum history.

Everything went as planned until the attack commenced. The Bum Army stormed Bum Chinese positions, pelting and bashing the enemy with broken microwaves. Supreme Bum Bob had sent no spies ahead, ordering the attack on the assumption that no Bum nuclear program could possibly be any more advanced than his own.

Supreme Bum Bob was wrong.

The ensuing carnage insured that no Bob would ever again be elected Supreme Bum.

The Bum Chinese not only had working microwaves, they also had power sources. The doors of Bum China’s microwaves had been removed and the fail-safes that prevent doorless operation defeated. As Bum China’s foot soldiers fought hand to hand with the invading army of Bumopolis, Bum Chinese elite fighters crept up behind their enemies, clapped microwaves over their heads like helmets and hit start buttons on timers preset to the baked potato setting. Bumopolis soldiers fell by the tens as their brains cooked inside their heads.

Victorious, the Bum Chinese threw the invaders into the ocean that the tides that brought the enemy might also sweep them away.

A single dead Bum in the tattered camo of Bumopolis with a microwave on his head washed up on the Bumopolis shore with assorted flotsam many months later. Realizing what had happened, the Bums of Bumopolis formed a successful coup against Supreme Bum Bob and the local prophet stripped him of his rights of bumming whether on street corners or Bum to Bum. Bob, obviously not The Great Bum and unable to survive on a non-bumming Bum’s salary, was forced to enter mainstream society. He got a job, bought a house, played the stock market and lived unhappily ever after.

I bid you adieu…and a don’t.

Adieu…enjoy fiction for fiction. Don’t read into this. It means nothing. I was bored and then this happened.

A don’t…underestimate my respect for Bums. They are urban survivalists, doing what they must to live off the land. I’m a free as I can be with handouts and, when offered the opportunity, giving a hand up.

The Weirdest Alien Abduction Account I’ve Ever Stumbled Across or The Bizzarest of the Bizarre

I often find myself in a semi-dark mood. This is not a depressed mood. Rather it is a state of dissatisfaction with the status quo and the mundane. When I am in such a mood, I generally succumb to it by searching for ghost stories, odd conspiracy theories, strange historical events or coincidences and/or accounts of alien encounters.

During one such semi-dark mood, I decided aliens best fit the ambience my mind had established for itself and I searched for encounters I’d never heard of before. The search was quite extensive, since I’ve brooded over the subject quite often and have read many accounts. As I scrolled through details I’d already read, I stumbled upon something new.

And bizarre.

And that’s saying something because E.T. encounter accounts are bizarre by definition. Strange beings with strange powers from strange worlds possessing a strange interest in ordinary humans and farm animals? What’s not bizarre about that?

But a while back I found an account that really takes the cake. Or perhaps I should say instead, it takes the pancake. More precisely I should say that this particular account gives the pancakes.

Allow me to explain.

According to the account I read, a farmer in Wisconsin was in his field when he noticed a strange shiny craft had landed in his back yard. He approached it and a hatch slid open to reveal three creatures that, according to the source, were wearing some sort of beret-like headgear and resembled Frenchmen. The beings held a shiny metallic container out to the farmer and somehow indicated that they needed, of all things, common water. The farmer obliged as many farmers seem wont to do and the beings, in actions reminiscent of Frenchmen rather than aliens, cooked the man some pancakes. The cooking apparatus described sounded to me like some sort of camp stove and the source mentions that it emitted no flame and no other furniture was visible within the interior of the ship. Or tent. Or whatever it was.

After treating the man to the world’s most curious culinary curiosity, the Frenchmen/Aliens/French campers in the American outdoors/Whatever they were took off into the Wisconsin sky. The farmer allegedly ate one of the pancakes and then gave the other to a judge he knew. The judge sent it to Wright Patterson Air Force Base where it was tested and then placed on display. The pancake was found to contain water (obviously), unknown flour (according to the first source I found) and grease. Disgusting. Un-Frenchman-like. Proof positive that it was indeed aliens, rather than Frenchmen, that cooked for this man.

Unfortunately, I cannot find the original source I got this story from. For some of the details and a picture of the farmer holding one of the pancakes, you can visit http://obscurban-legend.wikia.com/wiki/Pancake_Bakers_from_Space. The name of this source takes away from whatever credibility the story may have had to begin with but, let’s face it, the story was never extremely credible.

It is, however, quite entertaining and certainly bizarre.

I bid you adieu…and a don’t.

Adieu…believe the tale if you wish. Such stories add a certain, well, not spice…they add a bit of extraterrestrial grease to life that makes the non-greasy (difficult) aspects of life easier to slide through.

A don’t…eat alien pancakes. The one in the photo looks like a sea sponge. Plus, given the ingredients used by the Faux-French, you never know what’s really in store for you. It’s like taking candy from a stranger who is stranger than any of the very strange people that already reside on planet Earth.

P.S. I finally decided it might be fun to do the Twitter thing. If you are a fellow tweet producer and have absolutely nothing better to do with your time, feel free to look me up: William Ennis @sirdonkeylegs. You may or may not regret it. If you do you can always unfollow me.

The 100 Gallon Dog Bowl and the Drought: A Lesson in Love

I have a lotus pond. I have a huge dog. The huge dog will only drink water out of the lotus pond. We have been experiencing a drought that has left the water level of the lotus pond depleted beyond the length of the dog’s neck. Poor doggy.

My dog is an English Mastiff. We got her about two years ago and she is about six now. She has never taken a drink from any water source other than our lotus pond. I have tried everything I can think of to get her to drink fresh water. I have even put lotus pond water in her bowl in the house. Nothing. She’s as stubborn as she is massive. Just yesterday I saw her nearly fall into the pond as she extended her snout toward the putrid sludge that the drought has reduced the pond to. I felt very bad.

Today I watered  my garden and then chucked the end of the hose into the pond and spent probably a hundred dollars filling my dog’s water bowl. Does she appreciate it? No. She looked at the fresh-ish water, snorted and meandered to the house.

Why do I even try?

How can such a huge sweetheart be such a massive jerk?

I love her anyway. She is my thunder cuddle buddy whether I want her to be or not. Granted we haven’t cuddled, consensually or otherwise, in quite a while. Because of the drought.

I bid you adieu…and a don’t.

Adieu…love your dogs even if they fart up the place and turn their noses up at your most loving acts.

A don’t…think of a dog as a child. It is much harder to impose your will upon a nearly two hundred pound beast with excessive acidic slobber, huge, shiny white teeth and a toxic, putrid anus. My dog’s farts would offend Satan himself.