I’ve posted several times before about cooking. This will be the first time I post anything close to an actual recipe; unless you count the post about my son and his recipe for “gummy sour”, which is not a viable recipe for any edible substance at all.
My wife and I (I more than she) love burgers. There are times when I crave a burger specifically and when I get one there’s a bit of a high involved. I don’t know what an illicit substance high feels like, so the closest thing I can relate it too is the time mom gave me a little too much cough syrup, back in the days when cough syrup had some sort of happiness mixed in, and I went on to get to level three of Paperboy on Super Nintendo. A unprecedented feat, I proudly add, that lived in infamy amongst myself and my two brothers and one that they were never able to replicate!
Burgers make me happy. I don’t know why. They don’t give me superpowers like the cough syrup did, but they do make me feel like everything is just right for a few fleeting moments after I eat one. It can’t be just any burger, though. A fast food value menu burger usually doesn’t quite cut it, although there are exceptions. I don’t know exactly the requirements for an addictive burger but, after years of experimentation, my wife and I got it right last night.
Here’s what we did:
I separated the meat into two bowls and seasoned them. She doesn’t like some of the seasonings I like. In hers I put salt, pepper, BBQ sauce, shredded cheddar and butter. In mine; garlic salt, pepper, hot sauce, Worcestershire sauce, cooking sherry, shredded cheddar, French fried onions, French fried pickles (apparently a new product and an amazing one) and butter. I mushed all of this together and put the meat back into the fridge for close to an hour.
When it came time to cook, I heated the cast iron griddle. As it was heating I made an onion patty by slicing a thick chunk of onion, placing it in oil on the griddle and letting it caramelize, weighted by a small cast iron skillet. I weighted the meat patties also so that they were very thin and I let them caramelize some as well.
They cooked very quickly and I melted cheddar cheese over each patty and served them on toasted brioche buns.
I’ve heard the arguments about not pressing a burger because you lose the juices, which are mainly fat, and fat is flavor. I used to adhere to this but after last night, I’ve found that, even if you press them nearly flat, they cook quickly enough that they are still quite flavorful and have that “melt in the mouth” quality.
My wife and I have sworn off grilling burgers. The grill is for steaks and vegetables now. Burgers in our house are henceforth flattop only items, smashed flat, not steamed, and a little crunchy on the outside. This, my friends, is a very legal form of crack. While it may clog an artery here or there, at least it won’t land you in jail or make you go berserk and chew people’s faces off.
Aren’t these qualities we should all be looking for when we select a drug of choice?
I bid you adieu…and a don’t.
Adieu…try this burger method, or a similar one, at least once. I know this method didn’t originate with me, just like cocaine didn’t originate with the guy selling it on the street corner, but this is definitely a “drug” worth trying. Don’t forget to add the butter or some similar fat. I think that this might be key to retaining moisture when pressing the patty flat.
A don’t…do illegal or dangerous drugs. They are called things like “illegal” and “dangerous” for very good reasons.